Being turned down for sex can feel awful! Science tells us it is one of the most painful types of rejections becuase it is coming from the person we care the most about. But rejection is common in long-term relationships. It is so inevitable and regular, in fact, that we have to learn to respond to sexual rejection well to keep a happy sex life.
Handling sexual rejection in long-term relationships
Sexual rejection is one of the worst kinds of rejection. Three things make it so, particularly in long-term relationships.
1. Who is rejecting us matters.
Rejection hurts more when it comes from a long-term partner. This is true simply because we tend to ‘care’ more what a partner thinks than we do a stranger or acquaintance. “If the person closest to me rejects me, then that must mean I’m undesirable or that there is something wrong with me.”
2. Sexuality tends to be a place of higher vulnerability.
We rarely expose these private parts of ourselves — our hidden body parts, our funny “O” faces, our erotic preferences, our fantasies – to anyone without risk. These private parts of us can be vulnerable to judgment and criticism. If our partner rejects sex with us, it can feel like they are rejecting our whole erotic essence.
3. Our “sexual-onlys”.
In monogamous relationships, our partners have the honor of being the person we rely on most to give us a sense of our own desirability. That means all of our sexual appeal (the knowledge of whether someone ‘really’ wants to have sex with us) lies in their sole, and sometimes, clumsy hands.
Even though sexual rejection can be painful, being turned down for sex in long term relationships is exceedingly common. Researchers have found that ‘declining sexual advances’ occurs in approximately half of all encounters (Byers & Heinlien, 1989). But not all “no”s are not felt as “rejection”, especially if it only happens occasionally. For most of us, it only feels like “sexual rejection” if it is a reoccurring pattern.
But when people interpret it as rejection, they feel it very intensely. With such strong emotional drivers to sexual rejection, it is not surprising that it is one of the most common themes in sex therapy.
Sexual rejections happen for a variety of reasons, but rarely do the reasons have to do with a partner’s attractiveness. Yet, even though the “rejected” party may intellectually know that their partner may be saying “no” for a variety of external reasons (stress, fatigue, pain, etc.), in that moment it can feel very personal. Read more how it feels like for the “sexually rejected” and the 6 most common responses. Because rejection is inevitable in longer relationship, and even common in long-term relationships, it pays to handle it well.
The good news is that we now know the best ways to react to a “not tonight honey” in a way that will make it more likely everyone feels good and that there is a better chance of having satisfying sex in the future.
Here are some tips to both feel better about sexual initiation:
1. Ask your partner to say “no” with care.
Not surprisingly, the way you communicate a “no” determines how your partner reacts. If the rejected party hears a clear reason (avoiding confusion) and it includes a reassurance (that it is not about us), both parties are more likely to walk away feeling okay.They also report higher sexual satisfaction and greater relationship fulfillment.
2. Consider ‘how’ you initiate.
Get a little curious about the ways (how) your partner starts to feel sexual. Is your partner rejecting sex, or the way it is being introduced? In this sample, 43% of partners were unsatisfied with the way their partner initiates sex. Knowing which way your partner feels more desire is the key to turning them on. QTIP – what is your initiation style
3. Drop the punishment.
Punishing your partner with even subtle signs (eg. pouting, silence, or frustration) for not wanting sex when you want it will not make them want it more. It is the response that is most likely to make them not want sex in the future.
4. Consider your timing.
Navigating the timing of sex can be a delicate moment for those who are already horny. Just because you are feeling amorous, does not mean your partner is in their erotic brain at the same moment. Many people interpret a “no” as rejection even when their partner doesn’t mean it that way. Sometimes it’s simply not the right time—your partner may be focused on work, stress, or the kids and caught up in their everyday brain. It is respectful to give your partner the time to transition into their erotic brain without feeling forced into it. Let your partner know you’re interested without expecting anything in return to increase your chances of sexual connection. They need to know you are respecting their transition time too.
5. Communicate regularly.
Having a conversation once a year about sex is much harder than if you talk about your sensual and sexual rhythms on a regular basis. The very important ‘logistics of sex’ are crucial for any long-term satisfying sex life. Even if your find these sexual realities difficult, or embarrassing, to talk about. Have this type of talk outside the bedroom (or when you are not feeling sexual).
One topic to start the conversation is to talk about which times you both naturally feel more sexual. Some people love the ‘not quite woken up’ morning sex, while others can’t feel sexual without first brushing their teeth.
Remember when you first started dating? You were likely investing time and energy into discovering this new person– planning dates and grooming. The ritual of getting ready for a date allowed you the time and energy to prepare your mind and body to engage in pleasure and sensuality – aka transition into your erotic brain. When you give yourself and your partner the same time and energy to transition that you did at the beginning of the relationship, feelings of rejection can disappear altogether.