Many couples get stuck in a negative cycle of rejection-pressure. The higher-desire partner wants to have sex, so they put more pressure on the other person (either overtly or subtly). And then, the more pressure the low-desire partner feels, the less likely they are to feel sexual. And round and round they go in a negative cycle of rejection-pressure. Everyone feels awful and nobody gets satisfying sex.
1. Acknowledge the cycle.
The first step is to notice the cycle and how it may be unhelpful. Then acknowledge how both roles can be difficult.
2. Consider timing?
People can feel rejected when they approach their partner for sex on their own timing. It makes sense we approach our partner when we feel like having sex. But that does not mean our partner is feeling the same way at the same time. Many people may be feeling rejected unnecessarily. Their partner may be saying “no” not because they don’t want sex, but because they don’t want it at that moment, or in that way. Ask your partner when they would feel like it?
Of course timing is not necessarily predictable, but you can open up an opportunity to find when they ‘feel sexual’.
3. Focus on the “how” sex is initiated.
“How” sex is initiated is one of the areas many people forget about when negotiating sex. For example, kissing is one of the main ways couples signal to their partner they are interest in sex, at least here in Western culture. But many people don’t find kissing a turn-on, and some may even get irritated, or turned-off by kissing or the type of kissing. People may be getting rejected when they don’t have to, if they can find a way to initiate that works for both people.
Do you know how you like to initiate sex? Get some ideas, and a personalized sexual initiation style report to help you talk to your partner about how you like to be approached for sex.
4. Find the blocks
Getting to a “yes’ requires knowing what is getting in the way. Maybe the house is messy, which makes the Rejector uptight and unable to relax. Or maybe their are preoccupied with e.g. work. Or maybe the sex you are having lately, is just not worth the effort. The person most interested in sex can make an effort to help with those conditions to make it easier for their parter to feel the pleasure and connection of sex.
When Ray learned about how bad this felt for Chandra, he decided to respond differently to a sexual “no”. Instead of immediately getting upset or cold, he decided to become curious about what was going on for her in the moment. As the conversation opened up and the pressure came off, Chandra found she was becoming more in touch with how she would want to get in the mood. She said she liked teasing texts and positive connections throughout the day. To Ray’s surprise, one day Chandra approached him for sex. She said she felt like the pressure was really off and suddenly she felt arousal that she hadn’t felt in a long time.