Should orgasm be a goal for sex?
“We need to orgasm!” say many of my clients. Whether we make orgasm a goal for sex is an important conversation. It can be easy to orgasm on our own, but not-so-easy when another person is present. This especially so for women. But the answer of whether we should “try” for orgasm as a goal is not all that straightforward, with arguments on both sides.
First of all, we need to look at one thing that confuses this issue, the definition of orgasm.
Did you orgasm?
The question “did you orgasm?” may not be an effective question to ask your lover. Why? The official definition of orgasm is, “a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by feelings of pleasure centered in the genitals and (in men) experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation.” However, in reality, the definition can be very different for every individual, and particularly different in people with male bodies compared to those with female bodies. Female anatomy allows for many more types of orgasm than for male anatomy. And those can feel quite different from one another in intensity, in sensation, and in location. For example, women can have vaginal orgasms (that feel over the whole body), clitoral orgasms (that have intense pleasure in one area), multiple orgasms, mini orgasms, etc. etc. Male anatomy, on the other hand, allows for less variation.
Male orgasms are also often more obvious, as they are often matched with an ejaculation. It is rare that you have to ask a man if he had an orgasm, but if you do, he is also more likely to have a distinct “yes” or “no” answer. Whereas orgasm in female bodies, is not so obvious. For example, while women can ejaculate, it is not as often and rarely related to orgasm. The variety of orgasm, plus the lack of overt signs of orgasm, make it much harder for everyone (including the woman herself) to know whether a woman has had an orgasm. This makes the question “did you orgasm?” difficult to answer. Her version of orgasm might not fit into the tidy (male-experience) definition, making her second guess her own experience, even if she had a satisfying or pleasurable climax of sexual excitement.
Why we should “NOT try” to orgasm:
There are a few reasons the goal of orgasm works against the goal of good sex.
- It can make it harder to orgasm:
It seems that the more we try for an orgasm, the more illusive it can become. The truth is that on some level orgasm requires ‘not trying’, or a letting go. What makes us orgasm? Little is known about what triggers orgasms to happen. But, we do know that the triggers likely develop earlier in life with first pleasurable sexual experiences. The trigger can be a type of pressure, a thought, a feeling, or a movement.
The problem is that when we ‘try’ to have an orgasm, the act of trying takes up a lot of mental space and energy. The goal of orgasm itself, the ‘trying’ engages a part of our brain that is associated with ‘goals’ called the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Unfortunately, engaging that part, dampens our chance of orgasm. The PFC takes attention/energy/focus away from the mental space and energy we would otherwise use to focus on the erotic (sensations, thoughts or feelings). And it is the focus on the erotic that brings us to orgasm. It is a bit of a catch 22, the more we try, the less likely is orgasm. - It creates performance pressure:
The goal of orgasm might also create more performance pressure on ourselves and our lovers. Lovers can want the partner’s to orgasm, because they care about their partner’s experience, are aroused by their partner’s orgasm, but also because they have an ego around being responsible for their partner orgasm. If it is their ego that is motivating them to get their partner to orgasm, then it can feel like pressure. Not sexy. This kind of orgasm pressure is simply not erotic, and can kill arousal. Without arousal, orgasm is very unlikely. That pressure may be one reason so many people fake orgasm. - Sometime we don’t want it. And that is ok.
While most people would prefer to have an easy orgasm, most of us can identify with the times when orgasm isn’t all that important. Other priorities rise higher – connection with a partner, a particular sensation, or simply pleasure for it’s own sake. Maybe we don’t have the energy, or maybe we had too much to drink, or aren’t feeling in top physical shape, but we still want to feel connected with our partner.
Why we should “try” to orgasm:
here are many reasons we need to ‘try’ to orgasm more in partnered sex.
- Orgasm has many benefits. Orgasm is crucial for helping to create bonds between partners, soothe tensions in our body, boost physical health and have pleasure for its own sake. It is a great motivator to come back to do it again! The pleasure of orgasm has been found to increase motivation for sex, bolster our satisfaction with our relationships and create intimacy and satisfaction with our sexuality. It is not surprising then that most people try to reach orgasm! This is especially true for women, as women orgasm far less in partnered sex than their male partners.
- Some give up too soon. Because we prioritize male orgasm in our sexual culture, women too often give up on their orgasm in favor of their partner’s experience. Many women actually believe their orgasm is less important than their male partner’s. This part of the sexual script is unfortunate, because the majority of men get great pleasure from their female lover’s orgasm.
- Trying works…sometimes. A study has found that women who have the goal of orgasm, tend to have more orgasms. But not by much. Overall, the researchers hypothesized that trying likely worked for these women because they value orgasm — and take the time and energy to get the stimulation they need to reach orgasm. And likely have a partner who is working with them.
What to focus on instead?
So, what are we supposed to do if we are damned if we do focus on orgasm and damned if we don’t focus on orgasm.
- Make your goal: pleasure instead
One answer has had much success. We replace the goal of orgasm with a different goal: Pleasure. There are 5 reasons this works: 1. Pleasure is an easier goal to attain. 2. An orgasm is more likely to happen if we are focused on the erotic pleasure zone. So once we experience erotic pleasure, we are also one step closer to orgasm. 3. Experiencing erotic pleasure will not engage the PFC, or dampen orgasm. 4. You get to experience pleasure; and 5. If both you and your partner are on the same page (both valuing the goal of pleasure), then your partner is more likely to experience pleasure too. Even if you don’t reach orgasm, you win! - Identifying your orgasm pattern
There are things that help people to reach orgasm. But if you have had an orgasm before, if you have one in masturbation, then you already have your secret orgasm code. Pay attention to what hand movements, environment, thoughts, etc, are present when you orgasm. You can use them when you are with your partner. Here are some ideas from other men and women. - Communication is key
We have to be okay with telling our partner our orgasm triggers, showing them or telling them, “it is not going to happen tonight” or “Let’s keep going, I need more time.” The comfort with talking about the reality of your orgasms is key. - Avoid the binary question “did you orgasm?”
This question only has a binary — yes/no answer. Instead, ask each other, “Did you reach a peak of pleasure?”, “What kind of orgasm did you have?”, or “Was it satisfying?”, or “Do you want more?” - Know what increases your arousal.
Orgasm is highly linked to high levels of arousal. The higher the arousal, the easier it is to orgasm. Knowing what works to drive up your arousal gives you an advantage. Boost up your likelihood of orgasm by knowing how it starts. Find out your sexual initiation style to help you talk about what turns you on with your partner.
Which do you prefer, sex with a partner or sex on your own?
Tell us in our new study to understand why people are opting for less sex.