Orgasm With a Partner: Advice for Men and Women
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The orgasm gap is a problem for many heterosexual couples, where men orgasm regularly in couples sex and women do not. While the vast majority of women said they could orgasm regularly alone with masturbation, less than half (43%) of the women said could regularly orgasm with a partner. This is compared with over three quarters (76%) of men who said they could orgasm regularly with a partner.
Here are a few tips to help close the gap.
Advice for men:
TLDR: Show engagement & Learn her pattern
If you want her to feel more authentic pleasure, learn her pattern. It helps a woman to let go into orgasm when she knows that you are engaged and enjoying giving her pleasure. Show that you are not bored or tired, but fully engaged in touching her. More advice is below.
Here are a few tips:
- Show you are engaged. Show her that you are engaged and enjoying what you are doing. This does not mean you have to have an erection. Show interest with your eyes, your face, your hands and your words. When you are giving her pleasure, stay engaged with her. There is nothing worse than a bored looking lover who is waiting for you to come.
- The clitoris is a good place to focus. The majority of women in the study mentioned more clitoral stimulation was the top thing that brought them to orgasm. But that is not true for every woman. Ask her. Remember it is her “unique” pattern that you are looking for.
- When she shows you what works for her, PAY ATTENTION! What I hear most from women is that either a man will look bored or he will do what his partner shows him, but stop after a few seconds or minutes. If it works for her, continue doing it, aiming for 20 minutes of stimulation.
- Let her know she is not ‘on the clock‘. Orgasm takes as long as it takes . Let her know that you want her ‘real’ sexual expression, not the porn version.
- Take off the pressure off orgasm. She may be performing for you because that is what she thinks she has to do. But pressure does not lead to orgasm. Show her that you are interested in her real pleasure, whether it comes in the form of orgasm or as an undefined pleasure.
- Boost her arousal from the start.
You are already an expert at identifying your own orgasm pattern, that’s why you’re able to come during PV intercourse. The difference is that you actively share in your partner’s orgasm. Use your brilliant sensitivity to help her have an orgasm as well — you will both will benefit.
Advice for women:
TLDR: Give authentic cues of pleasure
To start, it is more important that a woman becomes aware of her own individual orgasm pattern — what works for her. Not what works for other women, or the one-true-way to orgasm.
Every body learns to orgasm differently. An orgasm pattern can include a certain motion, a pressure, a particular thought, or a context that allows her to ‘let go’.
You may already know your orgasm pattern:
If you orgasm already with masturbation, the answer lies in you already. Pay attention to how your hand moves. Are you using circles or flicks, lying on your stomach or back, and applying short hard strokes or calm slow ones? What is the environment around you? Are you thinking of a particular dirty fantasy? Does your rhythm or your thoughts change as you approach orgasm? How?
If you have not had an orgasm yet, it is likely easier to do it on your own. Although, either way we know orgasm is much more likely to occur with more clitoral stimulation. Relax, enjoy the pleasure, and receive stimulation for longer periods of time (20 minutes is recommended).
In partnered sex, it matters more that a woman’s partner knows her unique strategy. That means you have to communicate what works for you. Tell him, show him, demonstrate the motion, the rhythm and the length of time.
Know that your authentic pleasure will likely turn him on. Most women need to ‘let go’ of their partner’s gaze, and turn inside to feel their own pleasure. Stop trying to look sexy for him. Your authentic pleasure is what is sexy. Relax into it. Know that your ugly “o” face may be exactly what is turning him on. Read more tips from women who orgasm with a partner give their tips to orgasm
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