TLDR: Find & communicate your authentic cues of pleasure
“I can orgasm easily on my own, but not with my partner” This is a complaint I hear more and more in my practice. While the majority of men can orgasm regularly with a partner, less than ½ of women say they do (also called the Orgasm Gap).
What is going on? If these women can orgasm on their own, we know there is nothing “wrong” with their body or ability to orgasm. So what are some solutions for women to reach orgasm with a partner?
While understanding the brakes to orgasm can be helpful, we decided to learn about women’s orgasm from the other side. We turned our attention to study those who orgasm easily with a partner. We asked 13,000 women (and men), what they focus on to reach orgasm. Their orgasm triggers. Here are some things they told us.
1. Do “You”!
To start, it is more important that every woman discover her own individual orgasm pattern — what works for her. If you have had an orgasm on your own, you already have the answer. The information about your own individual pattern to orgasm is already with you. What is missing is his knowledge of you.
If he is not understanding your pattern. Show him the process. Let him watch you. Show him where your hand goes, the motion, the rhythm and the length of time you need to orgasm. Lay your hand over his and guide him through the process. You are the expert in you, let him in on the secret to your pleasure.
If you don’t know yet, it is pretty safe to start with more clitoral stimulation (and for longer periods of time – 20 min is recommended). You can refer to videos on OMGYes, who has wonderful how-to videos to find your unique pattern.
Find your orgasm pattern in the orgasm cue test (get at report of your orgasm cues)
Common orgasm strategies to orgasm with a male lover
Looking for ideas? We asked 13,000 women (and men) to say what they do to reach orgasm with a lover and here are the most common strategies that worked for them:
Hands down the most effective strategy for women to orgasm was clitoral stimulation. The next four items for women all fell into the category of focusing on sensation, or what is happening inside the body — mindfulness tactics
- Stimulating my clitoris (oral sex, hand or sex toy)
- Focusing on the pleasure I am feeling
- Holding tighter, pulling closer or pushing into my lover
- Focusing on my physical sensations
- “Letting go”into the experience
2. Include Him
Show him what you like, your pattern. In partnered sex, what mattered more than anything for those women who orgasm easily with a partner is… that her partner knows her pattern. That means you have to communicate it. Tell him, show him, demonstrate the motion, and the rhythm and the length of time, moan when you feel it. He isn’t a mind-reader, so the communication is key. One way many women mentioned was to place his hand over yours while you touch yourself. Or let him watch, if that is a turn on. Once he has it, and is on board, being encouraged to focus inside on their own sensations, was crucial to many women.
3. Pleasing him, by pleasing you
So many women are focused on their male partner’s pleasure that they ignore their own. It might be helpful to know, that the main things that help a man’s own orgasm is sensing (hearing and seeing) your pleasure. Here is a list of the top five things that bring a man to orgasm (yes, they were asked too).
- “Watching my lover’s excitement, pleasure or orgasm”
- “Hearing my lover moan, scream or vocalizing their pleasure”
- “Going harder, faster, deeper or increasing intensity”
- “Holding tighter, pulling closer or pushing into my lover”
- “Looking at or thinking about my lover’s body (or part)”
4. Boost your arousal.
Get in the mood for pleasure, even before you start. Find out your initiation style here. And then keep up the arousal with your favorite type of stimulation.
5. Embrace Your Ugly “O” Face
“When I look good, I want to f!ck! I feel confident and sexy. It is hard to feel hot when I don’t feel I look good.” These were the words of a woman in her mid thirties, trying to find out how to want desire in sex.
We learned that men not only love real expressions of pleasure, they use it to regulate their own orgasm. That is, your ugly “O” face” may be what brings him over the edge to orgasm. Because many women are trying to look attractive, they may be stopping their honest expressions of pleasure, assuming those will be seen as unattractive. But it is too often the opposite, your ugly “O” face may be exactly what is hot to him. When asked how he feels about honest (ugly) O faces, one man said, “yes, that would be a huge turn me on for me, especially to know that I am part of her pleasure.”
So, flaunt your ugly “O” face, because if you don’t you may be censoring your honest expressions of pleasure, and thus stopping yourself from reaching high levels of pleasure, such as orgasm. And, at the same time, stopping him him from reaching high levels of pleasure too.
Read more about what advice we give men too
Get your personalized sexual initiation style report.
To help you talk to your partner about how you like to be approached for sex.