And how we misunderstand our partners…
For years, we’ve heard that men and women want fundamentally different things from sex. Our study suggests the reality is much more nuanced.
We analyzed hundreds of open-ended responses from adults explaining why they prefer solo sex or partnered sex. Rather than choosing from a list, participants described their reasons in their own words. We then used qualitative analysis to identify the most common themes.
The biggest surprise? Men and women were remarkably similar in what they valued about partnered sex.
For both men and women, the most common reason for preferring partnered sex wasn’t orgasm, excitement, or novelty—it was emotional connection. Participants described wanting intimacy, closeness, affection, and the feeling of sharing an experience with another person.
Where men and women differed most was in their reasons for choosing solo sex. Women were much more likely to describe masturbation as the most reliable way to reach orgasm and to understand their own bodies. Men were more likely to describe solo sex as convenient, useful when a partner wasn’t available, or as an opportunity to explore fantasies.
Perhaps the most fascinating finding was that both men and women misunderstood each other’s motivations.
Women underestimated how important emotional connection was for men. Men underestimated how much women valued emotional connection and the experience of feeling desired. Instead, both genders tended to assume the other was more motivated by physical pleasure than participants actually reported.
In other words, men and women may have more in common than they realize—but they often don’t realize it.
These findings suggest that many of the frustrations couples experience may come not from fundamentally different sexual needs, but from inaccurate assumptions about what their partner actually values.
Understanding those assumptions may be one of the most important steps toward better communication, greater intimacy, and more satisfying sexual relationships.
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